Parenting a toddler has been the greatest challenge in my adult life. I’ve never felt more desperate, helpless, frustrated, defeated, and utterly confused all at the same time.

I’ve come to realize that children are like little mirrors, mirroring back every quality I choose to put out there. I see my lack of patience in him. I see my quickness to anger in him. I see my stubbornness and slowness to change in him. On the one hand, I rarely have to wonder where this comes from. I think by now I know myself well enough to know that his sins are, in part, my sins manifest in tiny form.

I’ve also learned that it is possible to feel guilt, shame, and outward frustration all at the same time. While I feel guilty and ashamed that I’ve allowed myself to unknowingly teach my son all the wrongs I had hoped to keep hidden, I also feel frustrated at his lack of obedience. There is nothing in life that compares to the flurry of emotions you experience as a parent.

There are many days after the umpteenth tantrum/discipline session/scolding/crying when I will stop to think and pray. Sometimes it’s hot/angry prayer. Other times it’s desperate prayer. And more often than not, it’s repentant prayer. This season in life has made me acutely aware of my need for Him. I cannot do this alone. And it’s important that I not forget that I am not doing this alone. I am terrified to think of what might happen to H if I were left to my own wisdom.

In my recent study of contentment, I’ve been learning what it means to be content in every season and in every role. I can’t honestly say that I’m fully content in my role as a parent, but I want to be. I want to be more thankful for my son and to remember what a great blessing and gift children are. I want to be reminded of His great grace; that when I cannot (which is often), He can. And I want to be more thoughtful about His sovereignty. Yes, parenting this child tests me and stretches me and downright breaks me down at times, but first and foremost, my child blesses me and reminds me of the joy we have in Him.

I’m starting to understand 1 Tim. 2:15, “yet she will be saved through childbearing.” In these short two and half years, I have probably been sanctified more than I have in the whole of my thirty-one years of life. My prayers for patience are being answered because He has given me many circumstances in which my patience is tested. My prayers to be more selfless are slowly being answered because there’s no room to be selfish as a parent. What has been most valuable to me has been my deepened understanding of His patience and long-suffering with us. If, at the end of the day, I can still love this little sinner in my imperfection, how much greater is his love for us in His perfection? I try to remember that this must be a fraction of what He, a holy and perfectly righteous parent, must feel in parenting us. It’s humbling to realize that I am His child, that he loves me unconditionally, and that nothing can snatch me out of His hand. Praise Him for His grace and mercy!

I feel like I need to add that it’s not all bad. In this stage, I’ve seen him learn a lot and grow. He has somehow discovered the ability to reason, although toddler logic isn’t very logical. He’s learning to poop in the toilet, eat using utensils, count to ten, and understand a few phrases in Japanese and Chinese. He also says the darnedest things, like “I forgive you, Mommy”, even when he’s the offender. Or his favorite, “Don’t say no, it doesn’t make sense!” He’s very sassy, but when we’re not annoyed, it does give us a good laugh. There are so many points in the day when I look at him fondly and think, my soul loves him. Even as a mom, I can’t fully comprehend a mother’s love. I never thought I would be capable of this type of love, it’s a wonderful mystery.

We’re thankful for…

  • Our family and His sustaining power
  • Friends who live close by and impromptu playdates on bad air days
  • God disciplining us because He loves us

Some things we miss…

  • Consistently clean air and lack of allergies (First it was the sneezing, now it’s itchy eyes.)
  • Real donuts (Supposedly there’s a Dunkin Donuts opening near us, but I’ll believe it when the store actually opens and I’m not just looking at a gigantic advertisement.)
  • Using the internet freely without VPN