2025 started off as a normal year, but it was marked with a lot of hardship. A lot of loss. A lot of struggles.
My Obachan (grandmother) and Dad both passed away right before we were scheduled to go back to the US for a visit. My grandmother passed without me knowing, somewhat unexpectedly. I count it a mercy that I was at least able to see my Dad in the hospital, but I missed the opportunity to say my very last goodbyes. The aftermath of their passing was a mix of sadness and confusion. I’m still working out what God’s purpose is in all of this, but it really caused me to examine my faith more closely.
Not long after their passing, Pastor John MacArthur went home to glory. Like many of you, I rejoice that he is now with the Father forever. But I’m deeply saddened at losing a spiritual “uncle” too. It feels like he has been with me, teaching me and guiding me since the early years of my faith. I didn’t even know him or meet him in person until I was in my 30s, but he had been a steady and faithful teacher. Reading through his sermons and books has been such a steady help to me over the years. I’m grateful to have all of his resources available to us online, but I’ll miss seeing him and hearing his voice in person.
Grief is something I have never been able to do well. Every loss hurts differently and seems impossible to pass over. This past year was filled with a kind of silence. I stopped engaging in a lot of ways, even if I couldn’t do so completely. There was a spiritual blockage of sorts; one that I’m just now managing to break down. There have been times when I forget that they’ve passed, since I wasn’t used to seeing them regularly anyway. Or times when I wanted to call or send a photo, then remembering they wouldn’t be able to receive it. There have been so many moments of sadness and regret; wishing I had been more present or thoughtful or caring. I wish I had shared the gospel more and in a better way.
Toward the end of last year, Alex suffered two basketball-related injuries. The final blow was a 99% tear of his Achilles tendon. We thank God that the surgery was successful and completed, and that he injured his non-driving foot, even if he has to limp for the foreseeable future. I know he is also grieving his ability to play basketball, which he loves doing.
I had been reading Amy Carmichael’s A Chance to Die for the better part of last year. This passage resonated with me:
“Our God trusts us to trust Him…Let us not disappoint God. Let us rise to this great trust.” She reminded them of the great promise of Romans 8:28, and of Jesus’ having wept — proof that ‘tears are not sin. But to go on lamenting would be sin. It would be as though we doubted the love of our most tender Father. To wonder why this has been allowed to happen would be to dishonor Him. I found myself doing this very thing…But do not let us grieve His love by wondering why. Faith never wonders why.’ Each of these deaths was a death far harder for Amy to bear than her own physical suffering. But she saw in each of them a chance to die, the opportunity to acknowledge once again the lordship of Christ in her life. He held all the rights. She had turned them over long ago to Him when she resolved to follow Him to the uttermost. The searing questions which crowded her mind she knew that she must refuse. It was one more way of saying no to herself and yes to God.
People like to focus a lot on God’s love, grace, and mercy. These are all beautiful qualities for which we are daily beneficiaries. But one of my favorite attributes of God is His sovereignty. Knowing that He is in control of all things, all people, all circumstances has given me peace and hope many times in many ways. He works all things together for the good of those who love Him, and it’s no extra effort on His part; it’s built into His character. He holds every piece of our lives in His hands and carefully manages every minute detail. For someone who struggles with the sin of control, serving a God who is completely in control and also completely good, is so freeing. I have to daily surrender my own will to His and not be tempted to dwell on the whys and what ifs. I have chosen this past year to trust Him more. It has not been easy because of my sinfulness, but I know that I need to focus on what is right and true. Like Amy, I have been given another chance to die to myself. My prayer is that God will be glorified through our lives and that our obedience to His call will bear fruit in and through us.